Hilarious Quotes

“Yesterday, a policeman in Pennsylvania broke up a robbery at a Dunkin’ Donuts. When he was congratulated on the successful stakeout he said, `What stakeout?’”

“McDonald’s announced they will be adding 25 percent more beef to their hamburgers. As a result, McDonald’s hamburgers will now feature 25 percent beef.”

“I read today in the paper that the Pope was a soccer goalie in his youth. Apparently, even as a young man he tried to stop people from scoring.”

“A new study by the American Medical Association shows that having sex does not trigger a heart attack — it’s getting caught having sex that triggers the heart attack.”

“A new study shows that three quarters of all Americans are overweight. In fact it’s so bad, three quarters of all Americans are now 9/10ths of all Americans.”

“A new study reveals U.S. students have very little knowledge of American history. In fact, test scores are the lowest since the Lincoln-Nixon debates.”

“New statistics show that last year the number of murders in the U.S. fell by 8 percent. Unfortunately, that may not be accurate since the number of pollsters murdered went up by 25 percent.”

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