Funny
- The following are funny quotes of various topics.
Funny Marriage Quotes
- Behind every great man there is a surprised woman. [Maryon Pearson]
- Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. [Oscar Wilde]
- Men are like port-a-johns. All the good ones are taken and all the bad ones are full of crap! [Unknown]
- In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. [Woody Allen]
- My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It’s titled, Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong. [Anonymous]
- You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. [Henry Youngman]
- Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway. [Joey Adams]
Funny Men and Women Quotes
- “Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch to be sure.” [Jarger]
- “Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.” [Jerry Seinfeld]
- “The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.” [Anonymous]
Mistakes and Stupidity Quotes
- “The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.” [Albert Einstein]
- “Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.” [Mel Brooks]
- “Never say ‘Oops’ in the operating room.” [Dr. Leo Troy]
Funny Lost in Translation Quotes
- Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux were embarassed to find lackluster sales when they used the following slogan in an advertising campaign in America: “Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.”
- The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means “bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax” depending on the dialect. The Coca-Cola corporation then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, “ko-kou-ko-le,” which can be loosely translated as “happiness in the mouth.” Much better.
- In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” came out as “Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.”
- The old Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan “finger-lickin’ good” came out as “eat your fingers off.” in Chinese. Whoops.
- When Parker Pen company marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” However, the company’s mistakenly thought the spanish word “embarazar” meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that “It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”
- The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, “Salem - Feeling Free,” got translated in the Japanese market into “When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty.”
- An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of the desired “I Saw the Pope” in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed “I Saw the Potato.”
- When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, GM was apparently unaware that the phrase “no va” means “it won’t go.” After the company figured out why it wasn’t selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.
- Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for “tiny male genitals.” Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.
- Chicken-man Frank Perdue’s slogan, “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,” got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained “It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused.”
- In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water. Yum!
Pain Quotes
- “Seven out of ten people suffer from hemrrhoids. Does this mean that the other three enjoy it?” [Sal Davino]
Observational Humor Quotes
- “Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.” [George Carlin]
- “When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.” [Albert Einstein]
Food Quotes
- “I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.” [A. Whitney Brown]
- “If we weren’t supposed to eat animals, how come they’re made of meat?” [Unknown]
Funny Quotes
- “In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.” [Douglas Adams]
- “McDonald’s announced they will be adding 25 percent more beef to their hamburgers. As a result, McDonald’s hamburgers will now feature 25 percent beef.” [Unknown]
- “Yesterday, a policeman in Pennsylvania broke up a robbery at a Dunkin’ Donuts. When he was congratulated on the successful stakeout he said, `What stakeout?’” [Unknown]
- “I read today in the paper that the Pope was a soccer goalie in his youth. Apparently, even as a young man he tried to stop people from scoring.” [Unknown]
- “A new study shows that three quarters of all Americans are overweight. In fact it’s so bad, three quarters of all Americans are now 9/10ths of all Americans.” [Unknown]
Funny Palindromes (sentences that read exactly the same both forward or backwards
- “A man, a plan, a canal: Panama.”
- “Aid nine men, India.”
- “Anne, I vote no one to Vienna.”
- “A Toyota: race fast, safe car: a Toyota.”
- “Boston did not sob.”
- “But sad Eva saved a stub.”
- “Cain: a maniac.”
- “Campus motto: ‘Bottoms up, Mac.’”
- “Dennis sinned.”
- “Dentist: ‘Sit, Ned.’”
- “Desserts, I stressed!”
- “Did Joe kill like O.J. did?”
- “Do geese see God?”
- “Emil, a sleepy baby, peels a lime.”
- “Go deliver a dare, vile dog!”
- “Go hang a salami! I’m a lasagna hog!”
- “He won a Toyota now, eh?”
- “I prefer pi.”
- “I saw desserts; I’d no lemons, alas no melon. Distressed was I.”
- “I was sad - no Hondas saw I.”
- “Live not on evil, madam, live not on evil.”
- “Murder for a jar of red rum.”
- “Ned, I am a maiden.”
- “Never odd or even.”
- “No miss, it is Simon.”
- “Now, sir, a war is won.”
- “Put Eliot’s toilet up.”
- “Race carrot or race car?”
- “Senile felines.”
- “Sit on a potato pan, Otis.”
- “Slap my gym pals.”
- “Star comedy by Democrats.”
- “Tennis tips: saliva. Vilas spits in net.”
- “Too bad, I hid a boot.”
- “Wonton on salad? Alas, no, not now!”
- “Yo! Banana boy!”
